Rediggit

After reading your divorce proposal, on behalf of all liberal progressives, I accept. In fact, we don’t even need to equally divide the territory. We’ll take the blue states and you can take the red states. We’ll take the Pacific and North Atlantic regions. You can have Middle America, the South and the Gulf of Mexico (if you still want it).

We’ll develop wind/solar/bio-diesel power. You can have what’s left of the oil, and continue to power your economy from a nonrenewable, dwindling energy source. Since you’ve given us “humanism,” when your oil runs out, we might even let you have some of our “commie” technology.

You can have our giant, over bloated military and start as many wars as your heart desires, and we’ll spend our money on health care and education.

We’ll take those liberal bastions of communism, such as Harvard, Stanford, MIT, and Berkeley. You can have Bob Jones University and Ole’ Miss.

We’ll take the liberal pinkos like Warren Buffet, Larry Page, Bill Gates and George Soros. You can have Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and what’s left of Wall Street (note: we are willing to allow Wall Street to relocate down south on the condition that we keep the liberal, progressive investors. You don’t want them anyway).1

We will gladly take the ACLU and our liberal judges. We’ll take our dirty, liberal legislation like the Civil Rights Act, and you can have Jim Crow laws. We’ll take equality for all people regardless of ethnicity, race, sexual orientation or gender. You can discriminate against the fags and begin a new era of McCarthyism . You can also have Thomas, Scalia, Alito, and Roberts. We’ll take the UN and international law.

We’ll take our socialist allies such as Norway, Sweden, Denmark, France, Germany and the Netherlands. You’ll be in the oil business, so you can take our Middle Eastern allies such as Saudi Arabia, Israel, Kuwait, and Egypt. Once you’ve gotten rid of that unnecessary separation of church and state, you guys will find you have a lot in common. Since we took the UN, we feel we should warn you that the Security Council will no longer be vetoing resolutions critical of Israel or America’s illegal wars.

You can continue to spend 50,000 dollars a year to house marijuana smokers and have the largest (per capita) and most expensive prison system the world has ever known. We’ll take liberal drug laws and reduce our prison population by half.

We also need to divide up America’s history. We’ll take the notoriously liberal founders such as Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine, and Ben Franklin. You can have George Washington and James Madison. We’ll take all those writers who pollute America’s history with radical, liberal dissent and humanistic ideas such as Mark Twain, Henry David Thoreau, Noam Chomsky, and Kurt Vonnegut. You can have Ayn Rand and Bill O’Reilly. You can have your war loving “National Anthem” and we’ll take Woody Guthrie’s “This Land is Our Land.”

Please let me know if these terms are agreeable.

Sincerely, A liberal Pinko.

1.“There’s class warfare, all right,” Mr. Buffett said, “but it’s my class, the rich class, that’s making war, and we’re winning.” Mr. Buffett believes a 90% tax rate for the rich is fair. That commie scumbag would just pollute your pure capitalism.

p.s. Please take all the crazy Christian Militia’s and homegrown terrorists. We’ll even chip in for your Timothy McVeigh memorial.

p.p.s. We don’t mind having information in more than one language. In fact, we believe learning more than one language is a good thing.

p.p.p.s. Even though we will freely give you religion, we reserve the right to use Jesus’ radical, communistic teachings for philosophical purposes. This shouldn’t be a problem since you ignore them all anyway: “Jesus answered, ‘If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.’” -Matthew 19:21 “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” -Proverbs 31:8-9 “The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern.” -Proverbs 29:7

“People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” -1 Timothy 6:9-10 “He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses.” -Proverbs 28:27

“Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.” -Ezekiel 16:49

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce…. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely, John J. Wall Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.